


Heal This Heartbreak

by Super_Luthor



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, Established Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan, Internal Conflict, Mentions of the Timewar, Ninth Doctor makes an appearance, Read, Soft Thasmin, Thasmin if you squint, The Doctor is a soldier, Thirteenth Doctor Era, War, Whump, if you want to cry, thasmin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:48:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23614750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Super_Luthor/pseuds/Super_Luthor
Summary: The Doctor gets involved in another war and the consequences are worse than that of the timewar
Comments: 10
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

The ground trembled beneath her feet.

She trembled.

Grazed knuckles open upon the gravel and fingers covered in blood shake.

She looks down at the ground, sucking in a deep breath. A pain in her lung made her cry out. Her left hand leapt to her side as she tried dragging herself up.

In that moment, as fire burned on in the distance, a droplet landed on the back of her hand. For a split second she looked at the drop of water, she wanted to chuckle to herself, she wanted. It didn’t matter what she wanted. After all, her life was a lie.

She was ancient, older than the tombs of Egypt and older than the stories of Christ.

She would have laughed at that insinuation if it wasn’t so true. Deep breaths did not come easy, but she had to get up, to get out of this place. Wherever this place was. Her knuckles closed once again and this time she did hiss.

‘Come on, come on.’ The woman urged herself. She was mostly talking to her body, trying to get it to move. She just couldn’t, it felt as though she had been weighed down. By the secrets, by the lies, by…

Thoughts began racing through her mind, her life was burning, so too was her mind. Every tear in her timestream was trying to bind itself back together and she relented…No, no. She-refused. She didn’t want to change. Yes, change, that’s why she was here. She was here to…

A scream ripped itself from her throat suddenly as she forced herself to stand. As soon as she was standing straight, her breath heaved, her hearts raced.

_No More_

An echo of the past reverberated through her skull. A memory, who she was before. He cannot come back, she is not that person. She is not _him._ Her heavy legs carried her, her feet trudging through the ashes and the dirt. A limp followed in her wake with a persistent pain in the back of her leg, but she had to keep going. But what for? She asked herself that on many different occasions.

_In the end you just get tired; tired of the struggle, of losing everyone that matters to you, tired of watching everything you love turn to dust._

A cry of pain left her as she moved forth. Only a few hours ago was she standing in a war office. Telling them to back down, telling them to not drop their weapons of optimal genocide…They refused to listen. She went out into the fields…She…

Her right hand trembled to her side, something heavy weighed down her coat. She lifts her left hand, covered in scrapes and blood. The hand enters her coat and she retrieves a metal object. Once upon a time ago she would have found this warm, like an old friend.

A very long time ago.

As she looks down at the object, she stares down at it.

_No more._

The ancient being swallows. Tears fill her eyes, her lip trembles with anger and grief, most probably the latter. In her tears, the reflection of the orange flames taunts the monster hidden within. After all, she was never one of them, something she always failed to come to terms.

The woman should have known, she should have.

Carrying on was the main goal, but here she was. The cold metal object took the shape of a gun. It was…Bitter. She had fought in a war on her own world, had been a soldier and here she is once again, taking on such a role.

Again.

_Is this it? My death?_

No, the universe was not kind enough to give her that. That would be too easy.

‘You said you could stop it, you said, you said…’ Delirium started to set in. She lifted her left hand to her forehead, ‘Oh…Oh all of you…SHUT IT!’ Thousands of years of voices spoke to her.

A leather jacket, a tortured soul. Who she was. Was-The past always found a funny way to haunt her. He stands there before her with crossed arms and grief was written all over his face.

‘I tried.’ Her voice broke as she spoke to him. Tears now cascaded down her face. She hesitated as she looked down at the gun in her hand, she waved it around slightly, ‘I had no other choice. Do you think I wanted a repeat?!’

‘No.’ The strong northern voice spoke, ‘But you could not help yourself. Doctor, you made this worse.’ He then walked over to her, ‘How did you end up with that gun? How many more have been slaughtered by you?’

The blonde visibly shrank under his gaze, ‘Do not patronise me. You are no better.’

The man then vanished, clearly just a projection in her mind, her own guilt speaking to her. She was trying to reason why she had done what she had.

‘Doctor?’ A familiar voice spoke from behind her. The Doctor turned on her heel, her face filled with grief of her own, ‘Yaz.’

Yaz looked around, ‘You told us to stay in the TARDIS, you didn’t say why and…’ The young woman looked around and swallowed, looking around at the burning planet, ‘Is this it? Gallifrey? Your home? Doctor-‘ She hesitated, ‘You said Gallifrey was destroyed. I-I understand if you locked us in the TARDIS because of this…It’s a lot...’

The Doctor felt her mouth dry instantly.

Yaz finally took a note of her torn clothes, a coat slightly charred and torn and her blue T-shirt covered in soot. Her face covered in scrapes and blood. Horror further filled the human’s face, ‘Doctor…What have you done?’

There was a long silence. The Timelord stared at her, facial expressions blank, ‘I was involved in a war.’ Her tone was cool and calculated. She looked down at the gun in her hand, making her friend step back, ‘I guess you no longer need to imagine me as a soldier.’

Yaz was astonished, ‘Who...Who’s war was it?’

The Doctor scoffed, a dark laugh leaving her despite the pain it caused to do so, ‘Yours. Your war.’

Yaz’s blood ran cold, she stepped back further. The face of her friend had become suddenly unrecognisable, any warmth that was there had now gone. She was scared, terrified even, ‘What do you mean, _your war?’_ Her voice trembled, ‘Doctor…When are we, and where?’

The Doctor looked at the sky briefly. Not that anything could be seen, it was just smoke and blackness. Her eyes then settled on Yasmin, her voice remained cold and like steel, ‘The year is 2021 and the planet we are on…’ There was a pause, ‘Well, what do you think?’

‘But you said there are lots of other histories…Many events that _could…_ This isn’t…Doctor-‘

‘I hate to break this to you Yaz, but this is your home, Earth and yes…This is a fixed point…I thought I could stop it…But I was wrong.’

**To be continued…**


	2. Chapter 2

The shock- no, the _dread_ that filled her friend’s face was indescribable which given the current circumstances was understand able. Yasmin turned on the spot, slowly she took in the sights around her. The Earth, soil beneath her feet crumbled as she moved. Her mouth hung agape. Tears filled her eyes and the smell of wood burning filled her senses.

The trees around her, ablaze. She wished that as she looked up she saw stars, white clouds and blue sky, but like the Doctor a few moments before, she saw nothing but blackness.

Denial began to set in, she shook her head as hot tears spilled down her cheeks, ‘But…But this can’t be…No war would do this…twenty-twenty-one…That-it was only a year from when we were…Doctor.’ The young woman looked back at the blonde.

One would or might say ageless God, but what God would allow this to happen? And, surely, if the Doctor truly was a God…She would be able to reverse or prevent the tragedy they see before them.

Surely?

‘Humans.’ The _Timelord_ laughed bitterly. Tears filled her own eyes, but her face remained unrecognisable to the friend she had stood before her. She moved the bottom of her jaw to the left side of her face as the shallow laugh left her. Her hands moved to her hips, pushing her now blackened coat behind her. Keeping the hands-human looking hands where they were, she too turned on the spot.

‘I never thought you were all stupid enough to do this.’ She then paused, ‘Did you ever see that music video…The Michael Jackson one?’

Yasmin frowned, struggling to see the relevance of what she was talking about. Slowly, she shook her head, but she wasn’t sure what for. Sure, she had seen-but why would that in this moment be at all relevant?

‘Oh you know Yasmin!’ The blonde raised her voice, only it broke. The tears remained where they were though, hanging on tight, ‘The one where it starts with him walking around…With a black sky…Tree’s merely trunks and the Earth…’ The lump in her throat suddenly getting big enough to restrain her talking. Instead, she looked at the floor, defeated. The hands on her hips, however, remained where they were.

Yaz stood there for the longest of moments, puzzling herself. All the while, cracks and spits from the flames in the trees around them could be heard. This planet was hotter than any summer she had ever lived through.

It took her a moment to find the courage to speak, ‘I…I don’t see how-‘

‘Earth Song’ The Doctor spat through gritted teeth, suddenly looking up, her back remaining hunched for the moment, ‘Remember now, Yasmin Khan?’

‘Doctor, why are you saying my name like that?’ Yaz frowned, ‘It feels like right now, you are blaming all of this on me!’ She couldn’t help it, but snapping felt like the only way she could speak without feeling like she was suffocating.

The Doctor walked over to her in just a few strides. Each step full of fury. Her face, dark and scarily mysterious, making Yaz take a step back, ‘It’s on all of you.’ The Doctor said firmly, somehow managing to tower over her friend, ‘You’re all the same species.’ She shrugged, keeping one hand in her pocket, ‘Therefore as you are all stupid enough to make these _stupid_ decisions, you are all accountable for the death of my home-‘

The entire time Yasmin refused to look at the Doctor until then.

_You are all accountable for the death of my home…_

Only then did it sink in how much Earth meant to the Doctor. She still didn’t understand why the Doctor was blaming her. Perhaps it was because there were no other people around to blame.

Then it struck her.

‘My family. Doctor…My family were here…If this is Sheffield…’ Her voice trailed off and even more panic set in, ‘It’s alright you standing there blaming me for all of this, but I wasn’t here! I was with you the entire time! This is like the Master blaming you for destroying your planet when you weren’t even there!’

The Doctor stared at her for a moment, ‘I was accountable in my own way. I left him able to find it. This is the same, this situation-‘

‘Doctor, no it isn’t! YOU KNOW IT ISN’T!’ Yasmin shouted at her, ‘Humanity Doctor…How many are left?’

The Doctor remained silent for a moment.

‘DOCTOR, WHERE ARE THEY?!’ Yasmin managed to scream, shoving the Doctor back.

_Show me the rest._

_I’m not sure you would be able to-_

_SHOW ME THE REST!_

The thought bellowed through the Doctor’s mind as Yasmin pushed her back, only this time, the Doctor did not fall back, she remained stood, but took the brunt of the force. The tears now fell down her face, onto the soil below her.

As the Doctor looked up, the orange of the flames behind Yasmin illuminated her tears. The same way her own tears were illuminated when she stood on a decimated Gallifrey.

‘You’re the last.’ The Doctor said sadly, loud enough for Yasmin to hear.

‘But Graham and Ryan in the TARDIS-‘ Yasmin pointed back towards the blue box.

‘Projections Yaz.’ She said firmly, ‘I made them projections…They died the same day everyone else did, I was just protecting you.’

The world itself was literally somehow still turning but Yasmin’s had now halted to a stop. If all life was gone…That meant she was the last human.

_The Last Of The Timelords._

Yasmin remembered the Doctor telling her about her race properly only a few days ago.

‘Is that why you told me the story of your people? A few days ago?’ Yasmin’s teary voice made the Doctor look up. Only when the Timelord did, she looked incredibly ashamed.

‘You knew. _You knew_ this was going to happen, but you never gave me the option!’

‘So what Yaz?! You would have happily burned alongside the rest of them?!’

‘It’s better than being the last! They were my species Doctor-My family! You should _never_ have the right to decide someone else’s life! That is my choice!’ Yasmin shouted. She noticed the way the Doctor hesitated, ‘You’ve done this before haven’t you?’

‘Look, Yaz, I thought I was doing right by you.’

‘No Doctor, you weren’t…I see it now…Why…You…’

The Doctor stood silently, looking down at the gun in her hand, ‘So…what do you want to do?’

Yasmin swallowed, ‘You’re not suggesting-‘

The Doctor shrugged, ‘Well, I should never have taken the choice from you and I’m sorry…I could…Or you could come with me…’

‘Drop the gun Doctor.’ Yaz said firmly. She then bit her lip, ‘Theta.’

The Doctor’s head snapped up at that moment, ‘Don’t call me that.’

‘Right now, you don’t deserve the title _Doctor.’_ Yaz said firmly, she then laughed, ‘I can see why the Daleks are scared of you…Why the scariest of monsters are afraid of you…You take things from people and expect to be loved no matter the consequence. Doctor if it is any consolation I do-I did love you…But you knew this was coming and didn’t give me the option. You didn’t have the right to do that.’ The young woman then turned on her heel and headed in the direction of the TARDIS.

The Doctor bit her lip slowly. Her hand trembled for a second, hovering over the trigger and for the briefest of moments….

She really thought she could.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I can say is, I am sorry.

A quiet hum filled Yasmin’s ears as she sat on the stairs of the TARDIS. The ship was trying to offer some comfort, but what use was comfort when your entire species had suddenly been wiped out through their own recklessness and stupidity.

She saw Gallifrey, she _stood_ on Gallifrey when that was ablaze and not once did, she ever consider her planet looking the same. We really do think it will last, but we neglect the acknowledge that one button could change _everything._

As she sat, she sat thinking about all those moments in her life when she was both at her happiest and her lowest, although her past low was nothing in comparison to what would follow this. She had no one she could talk to, no _human._

No family.

The watch on her wrist carried on ticking. She frowned as her senses picked up on it. So minute, and yet more important than ever. What was the point in having a watch when time essentially, on Earth no longer existed? Slowly, she lifted her sleeve and looked down at the tiny clock on her wrist.

‘Four…Tea time…There abouts.’ She muttered to herself, with only a small smile forming at the corner of her lips. As reality began to set in, she started to think…firstly about Sonya, the person who helped her through the darkest of times…

Her mum…

And her dad.

_God…_

‘Is this how you live?’

The Doctor had just entered, remaining silent as she walked over to the console, fiddling with random buttons. She did not want to have this or any conversation. It’s not nice, being the last of her own kind and yes, she should have given her friend the option, but she could not bear to lose the person she-

The Doctor stopped abruptly, hunched over the console. She was deep in thought. The alien was aware that she had just been asked a question, but her, like Yaz…They just wanted to forget what they saw. Earth obliterated…

‘Take us back to Gallifrey.’ A firm voice filled the void in the room, this time gauging the Doctor’s attention. The Doctor rounded the console and leaned back on it, crossing her arms, ‘Why? W…why would you want to see it?’

Yasmin shrugged, ‘I don’t really know.’

The Doctor’s brows furrowed. She looked into the crook of her elbow briefly, then back at her…Well, she guessed, _companion._ The Doctor knew there was something more, and so she decided to carry on digging, only her voice became firmer this time around, ‘You want to be on an even field? You want me to feel just like you right now? I have had experience of this Yaz, _believe me._ I have lost my world not once, _twice._ Imagine bearing that pain twice over.’

Yaz felt some sort of guilt in that second, finally managing to look up at the Doctor.

‘We can _never_ be on an even field when it comes to that.’ The Doctor added.

‘But I’ve lost my world Doctor, my home. I never made this a competition about who can feel worse. What we have both been through is awful…’ Yaz lowered her head slightly, ‘I’m just angry you never gave me the choice.’

In that moment, the Doctor went quiet, guilt filled her face exponentially, ‘I’m sorry Yaz…I really am.’

‘It would be teatime now. Dad would be making his terrible Pakori.’ She laughed, ‘Sonya would be on her phone looking at Snapchat or whatever she does…I would be coming in from a shift at work and mum would be stood by the kitchen side finishing off making a cuppa waiting for my arrival and you-‘

The Doctor’s head shot up.

Yasmin then looked at her earnestly, with a sad smile, ‘You would waltz in some days…Ya know…Mum always kept an extra cup out for you and in the back of the cupboard she kept a packet of custard creams.’

The Doctor smiled at that, be it, with the same tone as Yaz…Both sadly and full of fondness.

‘You became part of the family Doctor…Even Sonya sometimes asked when you would come over.’

‘Did she?’ The Doctor’s voice raised a pitch higher.

‘They loved you Doctor, we all did…And look at me.’ Yaz said, wiping a tear, ‘I’m talking about them in past tense…They can’t be gone Doctor…You have a time machine…Please…Please save them.’ In that moment, Yaz began to break down, her grief finally hitting her. So much so that it prompted the Doctor to finally come over and sit beside her. The Doctor wrapped a sore arm around her friend and held her close.

‘I’m really sorry Yaz.’ She said softly, ‘You know if I could, I would.’ The Doctor sighed as Yasmin broke down in tears against her chest. She decided to stop speaking and just held onto her.

Yaz was right, at the end of the day, this was not about a competition about whose grief was worst. They were both presumably the last of their species and right now, they need each other.

As the Doctor sat in silence, she noticed in the corner of her eye, the arm wrapped around her friend had began to glow. The Doctor swallowed firmly, shaking her head as tears once again filled her eyes, ‘She’s lost too much…She can’t lose me too…I…I don’t-I’m not ready.’

This prompted Yaz to sit up, only in that moment, she wished she hadn’t. She saw how devasted the Doctor was only a few moments prior and now…It was indescribable…Grief…

The Doctor’s own grief.

Yasmin looked into the Doctor’s eyes, and saw how terrified she was, ‘Doctor…What is happening to you?’

‘Oh Yaz.’ The Doctor breathed, ‘Wonderful Yasmin Khan.’ She then smiled sheepishly, ‘You have lost enough as it is…Ya know how…When we first met, I said that I had been a white haired scotsman?’

There was a pause between them. Yasmin’s heart broke tenfold and the Doctor saw it as plain as day, ‘Can’t..can’t you stop it?’

The Doctor shook her head, ‘If I could protect you from any further heartache I would…I liked being this me…I never wanted it to end…’

‘Doctor…please…’ Yasmin pleaded with her as the glow began to get brighter. She watched as the Doctor stood, and she too followed the Doctor’s cue. Yasmin stood up and watched as the Doctor walked around the console.

The Timelord pulled the lever, putting them out of harms way. As the Doctor was facing towards the console, she pulled up her right hand, flexing her knuckle open and then closing it again. A stray tear fell atop of the console, ‘I don’t want to change.’ Her voice broke as she whispered to herself, ‘It isn’t fair.’

Yasmin peered over her shoulder, ‘Doctor…What does this mean?’

The Doctor sucked in a breath as she turned around to face her, ‘It means I’m dying and when I regenerate…Like the events of Earth, it isn’t reversible.’ The Doctor smiled sheepishly, ‘You will get through this…You will. If I ever become mean, put me in my place…I’m really hoping I become a woman again…It was quite nice being a woman.’ She said cheerfully.

Just in that moment, Yaz was going to step forward but the Doctor raised her hand, stopping her, ‘This is really dangerous for humans…Don’t come near me. For your own safety Yaz.’

‘What is the point in living if there is no one back home?’ Yaz asked her.

‘And where would that leave me, eh? Be strong Yaz. Be amazin’ can you do that for me Yaz?’ The Doctor asked softly.

Yaz merely nodded slowly with tears cascading down her cheeks, ‘Don’t go Doctor…I need you.’

‘I’ll still be here. I promise. Oh and…’ The Doctor swallowed as she thought about what she was going to say next. It was coming, she felt it, beneath her skin, only she could feel that she was not able to hold it off for much longer.

Yaz watched, heartbroken as she saw her friend struggling in front of her. She wanted to hold her too and let her know how much they were in this together.

The Doctor willed the tears to stay at bay, but as she spoke those defences failed her, ‘I love you.’ For in that moment between them, time stood still. The Doctor broken by what was currently happening, the tears in her eyes and the smile on her face spoke more words that existed in the universe combined.

Yaz felt, in that moment that everything would be okay again.

Just for a split second, until the Doctor felt the immense power of her regenerating taking over her, almost knocking her off her own feet. An immense yellow glow filled the room, so bright Yaz had to look away.

In the past hour, not only had Yaz lost her world.

She had lost everything.


End file.
